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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Any of us who lived through the 1990s is familiar with that phrase. It came from a self-help and relationship advice book of that era. Men and women approach situations in relationships from completely different perspectives. So, we should not be surprised when we experience things differently from one another. What is easy for a woman may not be so simple for a man. Vice versa for other subjects. That doesn’t mean one sex is necessarily stronger or weaker. It just makes us different from one another.
That men and women are different should not come as a surprise to married people. You and your spouse being different from the other may be the only thing either of you have in common. Opposites attract, but men being opposite from women is no surprise. What interests men and women tend to be quite different. Not only that, but our ways of problem-solving and dealing with stress are also different. In short, what you find to be a good way to deal with a problem may not strike your spouse the same way.
In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, we are going to discuss whether divorce is tougher on men or women. The specific circumstances of your divorce will determine the answer to this issue. However, we think that there is a lot to gain from this discussion on a general level. Preparing for a divorce means knowing what to expect. Here is how you can prepare for your divorce on a practical level.
Communication deficits from the perspective of women
Let’s start with the ladies’ side of the equation. Women are more frequently the party who files for divorce. While men are more prone to maintaining the status quo, women are usually more ready to end something that needs it. When a marriage is going through a tough time it is usually the woman who identifies the issue. If there is any type of counseling or therapy that can fix the marriage, it is you as the woman who will suggest it. Otherwise, the lack of communication skills may send your marriage to a premature end.
Women, often, desire communication with their partners more so than men. If you are a woman reading this blog post, you have likely felt that your spouse has not committed to communicating with you. Sitting down to work through marital difficulties with your husband has felt like pulling teeth. On top of the difficult subject matter, you and your spouse still have distractions going on. Turning off the cell phones and putting the kids to bed is a good start to this process.
Does this sound familiar to you? Are these hypothetical scenarios hitting close to home? If so, then you should not feel alone. Many women are going through similar situations as you are. That does not mean that you should allow yourself to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Rather, you can take the initiative and do something about your discomfort. Use that feeling as a motivator to try and initiate better communication with your husband.
Why do women want to talk so much? Communication from a man’s perspective
On the other hand, men typically struggle with communication. Or, at least, men place a different value on communication than women. This means that when your wife is pressing you to communicate more regularly, you as the husband may not feel the same pressure. To you, communication on things like your relationship may not only be difficult but also superfluous. After all, you show your spouse how you feel about her. Why should you also have to talk about it to her?
Not only is communication itself no fun but you also have other things on your mind. Work does not stop just because you are having marriage trouble. When you leave the house for a hard day’s work you come home drained. This does not mean that you are upset with your spouse or kids. It just means that you need some time to decompress when you first get home. When your wife finds you at the door and expects you to immediately address relationship issues it can be a bit much.
So what is your natural reaction to this? To step back and retreat. You already don’t want to communicate with your spouse on certain issues. Now that a divorce is on the horizon you have two options. Either communicate with your spouse against your will or make a date with the divorce judge. When you are fatigued from work the latter may sound more appealing than the former.
How to alleviate communication problems in a divorce
Let’s assume that you and your spouse are not able to solve your marital problems. A divorce has been filed and you all are fully committed to the process. Since your husband moved out you two have not had a single conversation. Even exchanging the children for weekend periods of visitation has not caused the two of you to speak to one another. While it may sound appealing to communicate via text with your spouse until the kids turn 18 that is not practical. At some point, you two are going to need to learn how to talk to one another.
The divorce process forces spouses to learn how to communicate efficiently. Living in different houses and trying to coordinate all the essential features of a divorce takes time and effort. That means developing strategies geared towards accomplishing set goals is important. First, try to learn how your spouse likes to be communicated with. This may not have been a lesson you learned while you were married. Better late than never when it comes to learning how to better communicate with your spouse.
Face-to-face conversations, emails, or text messaging. Whatever works for you two. Different types of messages require different types of communication. Do not presume that one method is better than another. Meet your spouse where he is. From there, you can build better communication skills on a solid foundation. Ironically, these are skills that could have been applied during the marriage. But, again, better late than never to learn the lessons of communication.
An attorney’s role in communication during a divorce
The misconception about attorneys is that we tend to muddy the waters during a divorce. We take what could be a simple case and make it more difficult. All the while, attorney fees are driven up. Fortunately, this is a huge falsehood. Attorneys are sometimes the most important element of a case when it comes to helping with the communication of a couple. Working with an experienced family law attorney can help your case proceed more efficiently. It can also make a tremendous difference in improving communication.
You may find yourself in a situation where you and your spouse cannot communicate effectively. Suppose that one of you has been abusive towards the other. In that situation, it is not practical to be able to communicate with one another. It may not even be safe. In that situation making plans, negotiating, and co-parenting can prove near impossible. What can you do in a situation like this? Do you have any options or are the two of you stuck in a divorce where communication will prove to be elusive?
Instead, why not defer to your attorneys? Use your attorneys as tools to convey messages and settlement offers during the divorce. Attorneys can send messages to your spouse and respond to settlement offers. By using a third party you can remove much of the tension and animosity in the air. Since attorneys are third parties, they do not experience things on the same emotional level as you and your spouse. Use that reality to your advantage.
Financial challenges for women in divorce
Next, finances tend to be challenging for women in a divorce. Even though more women are working than ever before that does not mean that women work the same types of jobs as men. We are all familiar with the pay gap that exists between men and women. This is not meant to be a debate on how men are paid versus how women are paid for similar work. What we do know is that men and women gravitate towards different types of work. Again, men and women have different interests. That inevitably leads to men and women working in different fields.
Men are still the breadwinners for most two-parent families. This matters in a divorce. Texas does not have alimony laws of the same type as other states. You cannot assume that you are going to be able to win alimony or spousal maintenance in a divorce. As a result, finding a job after you divorce is necessary. For some of you, being a mother and homemaker has been your primary occupation since you got married. This is an important calling for women and mothers. It still means that there will be a transition period after a divorce.
How can you ease that transition after a divorce? Start to develop a plan for finding work while you are still divorcing. It is easier to win temporary spousal support than it is to win spousal maintenance. Use the opportunity to look for work while receiving temporary spousal support to keep your head above water financially. Completing a degree, earning a certification, or simply sending out resumes. These are all options for you to consider. In any event, having a plan when it comes to your finances after the divorce is a winning strategy.
Financial challenges for men in divorce
Men are more typically the breadwinner in a family. That responsibility takes on added significance during a divorce. For the entirety of your divorce, you and your spouse will need to be able to manage the household bills. Depending upon your income you both will need to be able to figure out a way to pay your mortgage, utilities in other responsibilities. Using the divorce as an excuse for interruption and payment will not suffice. Rather, you both need to be intentional about how your bills are paid and attended to.
Fathers in a divorce setting are more likely to pay child support. Child support is a financial responsibility for parents who have visitation with their children. There are various methods to calculate child support. You and your spouse are free to choose any method you would like. There is no set way to calculate child support. However, there are guidelines outlined in the Texas family code which can help give you a starting point.
Adding a child support obligation onto an already tight budget presents challenges for almost any husband. Even the prospect of paying temporary spousal support can seem daunting if you do not have a plan. Presenting a detailed budget to the court will help determine whether you can afford to pay spousal maintenance. Contractual alimony is also an option during settlement negotiations. Keep in mind that spousal maintenance can typically be ordered only when you and your spouse have been married for at least ten years.
Living circumstances during a divorce for women
For both men and women, a significant challenge during a divorce is determining where you are going to live. Divorce cases are unique in that they touch on every area of your life. Even where you sleep at night is impacted by a divorce. As a result, you and your spouse should put some thought into where each of you will live because of your case. It probably will not be possible for both of you to remain living in the family home together. With that said, what are the options that are available to both of you during the divorce?
Since women often end up being the primary caregivers to the children you may have an opportunity to remain living in the family home. Parents generally agree that they do not want their children to suffer a great deal of change because of the divorce. Some change is inevitable. However, minimizing change is a worthwhile goal to pursue. If you are a mother, then pushing to remain in the family home during the divorce makes sense. This may not be a long-term goal, but it is worth considering for as long as you’re divorce proceeds.
The reason why staying in the family home may not be a long-term goal is that paying the mortgage can prove to be difficult on a single income. If your husband earns more than you or is the primary breadwinner, then you may lack the financial wherewithal to pay the mortgage and other bills associated with the house. As a result, finding a new place to live after the divorce may need to be placed on your list of items to do. Think clearly about where you want to live and what the needs of your children are. Doing so will help you meet this challenge head-on.
Living circumstances during a divorce from men
On the other hand, men face a different set of challenges in determining living circumstances during a divorce. If you’re a wife and the mother of your children remains in the family home, then you will inevitably have to leave. Finding a place to stay is a goal that needs to be identified immediately. Do you have friends or family in the area with whom you can stay? Staying with a family member can make sense especially if you do not have children. However, if you have children involved in the divorce then finding a place where you can have visitation with them should be a primary goal of yours.
Your family budget will be stretched thin during the divorce. Having to pay rent on top of the household bills means focusing on every dollar that you spend. Frivolous spending is not an option during the divorce. You need to be intentional with every dollar that you spend. This puts a focus on your household budget, as well. Have you and your family ever prepared a budget? If not, then now would be a great time to start doing so. This helps to give you clarity and confidence in spending your money each month. Without a budget, you may have little sense of how your money is being allocated each month.
Once you find a new place to live you will need to get settled in this established. Work with your spouse to determine how best to furnish the home for your children. Finding a basic amount of furniture to help the children feel at home is important. This does not mean that you must go out and immediately spend a lot of money on furniture and other items. However, it does mean that you need to place a focus on the comfort and instability of your family.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
