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One of the most critical parts of a family law case, co-parenting is among the most difficult. Co-parenting means working with your child’s other parent to maximize your child’s well-being. The irony, of course, is that you are being called on to work together with a person that you do not see eye to eye with. There are so many reasons not to want to work together with your co-parent. However, there is one major reason to do so. That being your child and their best interests.
The Law Office of Bryan Fagan knows what you are going through. We serve parents in your exact position. Frustrated and tired of an ongoing family law case. We also know that you want what is best for your child. In today’s blog post, we are going to discuss what it means to co-parent. During the family law case and beyond, co-parenting matters to your child and you. We are going to discuss this subject with you in greater detail today.
Determine the nature of your relationship with your co-parent
There are extreme situations where your safety is in jeopardy, and you would not want to put yourself in a position where you are unable to protect yourself. Or, your children, for that matter. Determine whether it is safe for you to have a co-parenting relationship. Preferably, do so before the case has begun. This way you can be prepared to put your best foot forward during the case itself.
You may need to pursue a protective order or temporary restraining order. Either of these are practical methods to keep yourself and your child safe. Working with an experienced family law attorney is another method to bear in mind during this time. The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan are here to help you and your family. Contact us today for a free of charge consultation.
Talk to your co-parent about your thoughts
Sometimes we tend to assume that people will not respond how we want them to in a particular situation. For instance, if you do not think that your spouse is going to agree to attend counseling you may never ask. Rather than risk hurt feelings or embarrassment, you choose to do nothing. Why bother, you figure.
This is not the position to take during a family law case. What you will quickly realize is that there are almost always opportunities to negotiate within a family law case. Consider times where not much else is going on in the case. Where you may be tempted to lose track of where you are with your co-parenting. Do not do this. Rather, take the time to reach out to your co-parent to talk about goals for your case.
Negotiating with your co-parent on community property division in a divorce is not the focus of today’s blog post. Although that is an important subject, as well. Rather, we mean to talk about your kids and their needs. You may find that there is more common ground for the two of you than you would have otherwise expected. All it takes is a positive attitude and willingness to work together with your co-parent. Not doing so is an indicator that you are ok with the status quo and the uncertainty that comes with it.
Approaching the subject of a divorce together
One of the best steps you and your co-parent can take is to talk to your children together about the divorce. Presenting a united front is a powerful signal to your children. First, the kids are your focus during the case. Often kids will begin to suspect that they are the cause of the divorce. Or, that they are being overlooked in the divorce in favor of other things or people. You want the kids to understand that they are the focus of your case and your lives.
Seeing you and your spouse together can help the children understand that their parents are not going anywhere. Older kids may know of parents who move away from their children because of a divorce. Or, that your children may fear the worst when it comes to divorce as far as your relationship is concerned. Whatever the situation is, you need to help your children ease their anxiety during a time like this. There is no telling what your children’s thoughts are until you ask them about the case.
Of course, you want to be as clear with the children as possible. Additionally, helps the children to better understand the divorce at their level. For example, you would not talk to your children the same way about the divorce at age 14 versus age 4. An age-appropriate conversation is the best way to approach this subject. Being clear means helping the kids know that change is coming. However, the change is not going to affect how you love them.
Not overpromising in areas where you cannot be sure of
Children are like anyone else- they want sure answers to their questions. We don’t like to hear vacillating answers or unclear responses. Therefore, when your children ask you about the divorce it is tempting to answer them in a way that provides more sureness than you can. As in, the situation is currently playing itself out, but you try to calm the kids with a sure answer.
This is a recipe for disaster. By alleviating the kids’ fears temporarily you are harming them in the long term. Wanting to make them feel better has caused you to step outside your comfort zone and deliver an answer that is not accurate. Wanting to spare your children the worst of the divorce news is one thing. However, it is not fair to them, you, or your co-parent to try and deny reality. Your reality at this moment is in flux.
Rather, share with your children what you do know and what you do not know. There is nothing wrong with being transparent with the kids. You may not be able to provide them with the clarity and certainty that they desire. However, by being honest with them about what you do not know they will come to trust you more and more.
Talking to your children about possession and visitation
One of the areas of your children’s lives that are impacted by divorce is their living situation. For most children, their life exists primarily at home. They have one home where they sleep every night. That is the home where their good, and bad, memories have been formed. This provides the children with a sense of stability and consistency which is important.
Now, the kids are going to have to get used to sleeping at two houses. That means two sets of clothing, two beds, and eventually two Christmases. Some children adjust better than others to these dramatic changes. You should consider the changes as they come and talk to your kids about them. Help them to understand why you are doing what you are doing. That does not mean walking them through every detail of the divorce. However, it does mean reassuring them that the divorce is the best thing for your family.
Visitation and possession are interlinked subjects. Talking to your kids about this subject depends on your specific circumstances. If possible, living close to your co-parent is helpful. This means finding a place to live that is close to the primary residence of the children. If you are the non-primary parent this means the burden falls on your shoulders. Taking the time to find a place to live close by can mean a tremendous amount of good for your family.
Primary conservatorship and determining the primary residence
Being the primary conservator of your children carries with it the ability to determine the primary residence of your children. What this means is that the primary conservator chooses where the kids live on a primary basis. For example, if you are the primary conservator of the kids then you will have the right to choose where the kids live. In almost every divorce, the primary conservator chooses to let the kids live with him or her.
Co-parenting means helping the kids understand that the primary conservator is not the only parent who gets to see them. Rather, both parents have a right to see the kids under a joint managing conservatorship. Some children may be upset at the choice of a primary conservator. Many times, children pick their “favorite” in this regard by who is more lax with rules enforcement.
Again, being clear about what a primary conservator does can help the children better manage a divorce. Usually, the primary conservator in a divorce is the parent who has been fulfilling that role. Courts hesitate to change a child’s life dramatically in one way or another. As a result, you can expect that a court will name you as the primary conservator if that is the role you have been playing in the life of your children.
When the children do not want to go to your co-parent’s home
Let’s suppose that you are getting your daughter ready to go see her father. It is his weekend period of possession. Your daughter is five. She always acts hesitant about seeing her dad but when she comes home she is all smiles. You have been the primary caretaker of your daughter (hence the familiarity) so that is the role you were assigned in the divorce. Your ex-husband had no problem with you being named as the primary conservator.
However, this weekend your daughter has again told you that she does not want to see her dad. Rather, she wants to stay with you in your home. If you were caught in this position, what would you do? It’s going to be a fight to get your daughter out of the house and into your co-parent’s vehicle. That is not how you want to start your daughter’s weekend.
The bottom line is that your child not wanting to see your co-parent is not reason enough to deny your co-parent visitation. Allowing him to speak to your child is a good decision. Explaining to you what your daughter has told you about his home is also ok. However, be sure to allow your child and co-parent the time they need to work through this subject. Refusing to allow your daughter to leave the house leaves you susceptible.
When does a child get to choose where to live?
It is well-known that children have a right to speak to the judge about their wishes on primary conservatorship. The exact rule is that children 12 years of age and older have a right to talk to the judge about primary conservatorship. A motion would need to be filed by any party to your divorce. A judge may also seek to speak to your child. It is not as if your child can walk into the courthouse one day and then speak to the judge. There is a process involved in your child talking to the judge.
Children under the age of 12 may also speak to the judge on primary conservatorship. However, the major change compared to older children is that it is up to the discretion of the family judge on whether to allow this to happen. Younger children are typically not as mature or equipped to share their opinions on issues like this. As a result, children under 12 may not be able to speak to the judge.
Talk to an attorney about your case. Working with your children to give a statement or answer questions from a judge is a sensitive area. You do not want your children to feel like they have to choose between parents. This is a reason why many parents do not want their children to talk to a judge on this subject. The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan are equipped to help you in this and other areas of divorce.
Co-parenting is not optional
We know that co-parenting is not easy. Then again, parenting in general is not easy. The degree of difficulty increases as you begin to work alongside a parent with whom you do not live. On top of that, you all do not agree on much of anything these days. As you enter into a family law case it is ok to find frustration as your dominant emotion. Bot being exactly where you want to be as far as your family is concerned is a normal feeling. However, do not run away from the feeling.
Rather, embrace the challenge and jump into the process. Help your co-parenting relationship get off on the right foot. Try to communicate with him or her. Commit to talk to one another at least once per week. Provide each other with updates on your child. By talking to him or her that frequently it is much more likely that you all will respect the other person more.
A mutual respect makes the entire process easier. When you feel nothing towards the other person it is not a far leap to treat that person poorly. It is an even shorter leap when you are upset with the other person. Even still, gaining mutual respect is challenging in and of itself. How can you find that mutual respect despite everything going on in the case?
Remember the best interests of your children
By remembering the best interests of your children you can better acclimate yourself to the world of co-parenting. Looking at your situation as a co-parent serves you well. Recalling that your children are the ones you stand to benefit the most from a positive co-parenting relationship can mean a great deal of good transpires for your family. Putting them first means putting aside your differences with your co-parent.
The best interests of your child are not always the same as your best interests. For some parents, this can take some time to sink in. However, looking at a situation objectively allows you to better understand this reality. Finding common ground with your co-parent and showing mutual respect. These are the keys to an effective co-parenting relationship.
Thank you for joining us on the blog for the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. We thank you for choosing to spend part of your day with us today. Our experienced family law attorneys offer free-of-charge consultations at our Texas area locations. We say “area” because we have offices in all the major metropolitan areas of Texas. No matter where you are in the Lone Star State the Law Office of Bryan Fagan is here to help you and your family. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
